Since tomorrow is the day that we are finally putting the remaining ashes of my dad to rest, I decided to get very personal. This is something I wrote for myself a few weeks after my dad died. It was never meant to be shared with anyone else. I wrote it because I was struggling so deeply and needed some outlet. I’m having a very hard day today coming to terms with another, and final, goodbye. Somehow, it’s lead me here to share my private thoughts. But if just one person who is having suicidal thoughts reads this and reconsiders on account of the pain it would cost their family and friends, then my pain will not have been for nothing.
Tonight I cannot sleep. It’s been almost 3 weeks since you decided to leave us. The pain is always there below the surface, though the level with which I can tolerate it varies. I’ve been managing through the days. I’m even back to work now. But the nights are where I struggle the most. And tonight is almost unbearable. I keep fighting for a deep breath of air hoping that it will calm me down, that it will let me exhale with it some of the darkness. Each time feeling disappointed. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could do this. To me, to Sam, to Aubrey. Sometimes I’m so angry at you that I feel like I’m gonna burst. Sometimes I’m so heartbroken that the tears won’t stop flowing. Mostly, I just feel numb. I wonder what happened to you to make you tumble down the path you did for the last 10 years. The demons you faced, and lost to, will I battle as well? I am most certainly my fathers daughter after all. Stubborn. Hard headed. Always right. And completely unable to communicate about real issues. I listen to the voicemails that piled up over the last month. Torturing myself with no mercy. If I had just picked up the phone and called you bagck, maybe you wouldn’t have felt so sad that day. So beaten down by life. Maybe I could have been the boost your spirit needed. Could I have prevented it?? But you’re not here to tell me. You took the answers to all my questions with you. Forever locked away. Forever I will search. I find myself lost in thoughts of you often. Frozen in the moment. I close my eyes and see your lifeless body in my mind. I shake my head and beg myself to let it go. What was last said to you to make you feel so defeated with no other way out? Did we cross your mind at all? Did you worry what this would do to us? How we wuld get throught life after? Are you looking down at us with regret for your choice? Or are you finally at peace from the battle in your head that we knew not of? I’ve been re-watching Grey’s Anatomy at night to help me ease into sleep. It keeps me distracted mostly. Tonight though was the episode where George’s dad died. He said, “I do not know how to exist in a world where my dad does not.” It’s the most accurate feeling I have. I’m trying to get back to “normal” life and adjust as well as I can. But I simply do not know how to be in a world in which you are not…
I miss you
Your little girl